I SLEEP, PERCHANCE TO...WELL...SLEEP

How do they know? I mean, really, someone please tell me how all kids seem to just know when exactly you've gone to bed, got your socks off, got the covers pulled up just right, and the pillow fluffed perfectly, and the curves of your body all snug and tucked into the forgiving dimples of the memory foam...

Your eyes finally close, the sleep begins to set in, and you have that wonderful rapturous fleeting thought that you really could just stay in bed forever, when... MMMMAAAAAAAMMMMMMAAAAAAA!!!

The life and death screams ripping you from the brink of bliss as you instinctively (because, Jeebus, you've been doing it now for 7 years) throw back the blankets, trip on your slippers, slide on the hardwoods in the utter blackness -- not because there aren't nightlights on, but because, for crissakes, you haven't even had the chance to open your eyes yet...

And you scramble over the Legos and Bakugans, and the seemingly endless river of beads, skillfully navigating the obstacle course like a Green Beret, finally swooping over to his bedside, to the rescue, to be his savior from all the bad and scary things that go bump in the night...just in time to see him roll over and go back to sleep.

And aww, isn't that sweet and everything, but fuckingshitifyouaren'twideawakenow!

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