THE SPY KIDS STINK-O-RAMA: A REVIEW, OF SORTS

So, for their last movie night before becoming 3rd graders, the monsters chose, of course, the new Spy Kids movie, All The Time In The World in 4D.

The 4-D was, ostensibly, smell-o-vision, whose concept, yes I'll admit, intrigued me enough to spend the small mortgage payment for a family of 4 on a Friday night.

And yes, I actually really did think they were gonna pump strange and offensive odors into the theatre, much like Vegas casinos pump in oxygen. And because I had to work myself up to that idea, and kinda gagging at the very thought, I was pleasantly surprised to find that would not be the case.

Instead, however, shoved underneath our tickets were 4 sheets of paper with the numbers 1-8 on them. At various times throughout the movie, some benign, some not so...er...appealing, you were to scratch off the number flashing on the screen and sniff the appropriate scent.  That is, if you could find it, of course, because it's a movie theater after all, and, hello, pretty dark.

So, all obvious nasty scratch-n-sniff jokes aside, let's jump right into how very much this sucked big hairy dirty rotten eggs.

The storyline was ridiculous, if you can even call it a line. It was more like chicken scratch, as the writing clearly consisted of only two objectives: 1) highlight at every opportunity a potential smell-o-vision moment and really really really...really push this horrifically bad marketing ploy that we've sunk all this money into and now must somehow make work by sheer faith alone, and 2) see how many times you can use the word "time" in one hour-and-a-half period. Ready? Go.

But wait! It gets worse.

Because the scratch-n-sniff was a huge NON-stinking FAIL!!!  Not a one of the numbers smelled like anything at all recognizable, and even less than that, they all smelled like the previous one.  The kids were done with them after the third one failed to produce the dirty diaper smell the screen insinuated.  I, being the diligent reporter I am, scratched every. single. stupid. one.

So, my official recommendation: if you must go (because sometimes there's just no winning those battles), go to a drive-in and take yourself a little flask.

Two very enthusiastic thumbs down!!

COMPLICATING SIMPLE THINGS: GETTING BACK INTO ROUTINE

Four pages. That's all. I only gave them 4 pages of activity sheets to work on tonight.

School starts next Monday. We started our wake up schedule this morning and our bedtime schedule this evening.  But getting them to work through four (super easy -- like two grade levels below where they're at) pages was almost as difficult as it was potty training them. At the same time. For that week when they both ran around with no pants.

I mean, there was yelling. Actual yelling. And tears, even.  And tantrum throwing that I don't think I even saw when they were three.  And tirades regarding personal freedoms and self-expression that were dripping with so much sarcasm and pure disdain as to make any smartass proud cringe.

But they did it.

They pouted. Did a few problems. Crumpled a few pages.

They shouted. Did a few more problems. Made giant Xs across the whole page.

They time-outed.  Did the rest of the problems. Got them reviewed, corrected, and re-did them with such ire that they went through 3 pencils from popping the leads because they were pressing down so hard.

But they did it.

It took us TWO AND A HALF HOURS (!!!) to get through those four silly little pages. So let me just put it out there, folks. If you haven't yet started your kiddos back on a homework/activity book schedule yet before school starts, DO. IT. NOW. Because it's really really frowned upon to take your kids to school with a margarita in your hand at 8 o'clock in the morning.
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