THE SPY KIDS STINK-O-RAMA: A REVIEW, OF SORTS

So, for their last movie night before becoming 3rd graders, the monsters chose, of course, the new Spy Kids movie, All The Time In The World in 4D.

The 4-D was, ostensibly, smell-o-vision, whose concept, yes I'll admit, intrigued me enough to spend the small mortgage payment for a family of 4 on a Friday night.

And yes, I actually really did think they were gonna pump strange and offensive odors into the theatre, much like Vegas casinos pump in oxygen. And because I had to work myself up to that idea, and kinda gagging at the very thought, I was pleasantly surprised to find that would not be the case.

Instead, however, shoved underneath our tickets were 4 sheets of paper with the numbers 1-8 on them. At various times throughout the movie, some benign, some not so...er...appealing, you were to scratch off the number flashing on the screen and sniff the appropriate scent.  That is, if you could find it, of course, because it's a movie theater after all, and, hello, pretty dark.

So, all obvious nasty scratch-n-sniff jokes aside, let's jump right into how very much this sucked big hairy dirty rotten eggs.

The storyline was ridiculous, if you can even call it a line. It was more like chicken scratch, as the writing clearly consisted of only two objectives: 1) highlight at every opportunity a potential smell-o-vision moment and really really really...really push this horrifically bad marketing ploy that we've sunk all this money into and now must somehow make work by sheer faith alone, and 2) see how many times you can use the word "time" in one hour-and-a-half period. Ready? Go.

But wait! It gets worse.

Because the scratch-n-sniff was a huge NON-stinking FAIL!!!  Not a one of the numbers smelled like anything at all recognizable, and even less than that, they all smelled like the previous one.  The kids were done with them after the third one failed to produce the dirty diaper smell the screen insinuated.  I, being the diligent reporter I am, scratched every. single. stupid. one.

So, my official recommendation: if you must go (because sometimes there's just no winning those battles), go to a drive-in and take yourself a little flask.

Two very enthusiastic thumbs down!!