Tuesday, July 07, 2009

just one more day

I don't know how to do this.

I don't know how to blog about this.

I feel an overwhelming sense of obligation to document this. Well aware that this blog is for the kids. That they'll look back some day. That they'll want to know.

And I want to leave that trail, as best I can. Breadcrumbs of whys and hows. Something that shows them who we were, and not just what became of us. Something that might give them some sense of comfort or closure. Something more than knowing that they've become just another statistic.

"My parents split when I was 6."

Just another kid on another playground in America from another broken home. Times 2.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck.

I don't know how to do this.

I don't know how to walk away from everything I've ever known. From everything I've fought so hard for. From everything I thought was real and true and right.

I don't know how to leave her. How to let her go. How to suddenly stop caring about whether or not she's eating. How to not reach out to hold her when she's sad. How to not want to crawl into the crook of her arms, to take in the smell of her neck, to feel her hair brush across my cheeks because the pain of her absence is just too much to even conceive and she's the one, SHE'S the one, who's supposed to take that pain away.

How the fuck do I do this? How do I stop trying? How do I stop worrying? How do I stop making it work...just enough...to get by...just one. more. day?


6 comments:

Anonymous said...

Fuck Jo-Is it just life is it the way it is for everyone is there really a fucking happily ever after. I would say im sorry for your loss but what would that do? Im counting down my life sentence until the last one walks out the door all the while I get to watch my bestfriend find her love (yahoo personals) She is 37 no kids no family and lord knows she deserves her happily ever after but FUCK it makes my shit seem even worse. Is there someone out there that would complete me shit just make me happy more then sad. I am not choosy...IDK...Maybe eventually she will grow to hate him too and they will forget what they loved about each other or just out grow each other maybe we all close our doors like cells and live happily ever after...

girlranting said...

OMG I am so sorry. I know it won´t help anything that I say it, but I do feel for you. I´ve been there twice now, after a good number of years with each person, and it never gets easier.

Having all your dreams and plans for the future shattered is shitty, to say the least, and the more so when there are children involved. I hope you are holding up, and that everything works out for the best, be it that your relationship ends or that everything is fixed. Only God knows what should happen, as much as we might hate to accept his choices at times.

You have someone in Mexico thinking of you and your family.

tracer123 said...

Hey Jo Anna, I am very sorry to hear that you have come to the end of the road with Amy. I'm on FB if you need to vent or chat.

Melissa said...

You do it one day at a time, one breath at a time. And you don't stop caring, you just start caring more about yourself and whether you are eating or how you smell! And your kids, you focus on them. And you keep being amazing and smart and beautiful and funny and you know that no one has to validate that but you - to yourself.
And the sun will shine again, and the birds will sing, and ....oh, crap - I just digressed to a sappy soundbite didn't I? :)
I haven't been online the last two days because I've been taking care of Dan's kids for him (nanny was off...) Boy did I forget how much you have to actually DO for small children in a day! Whew! I'm spent! Thank gawd they went back to their mommy's house so I can stop making peanut butter sandwiches long enough to play around on facebook and do a little schoolwork in the interim!
Call me anytime - we'll chat, we'll trash people we don't like..you know - the usual...
I love you and I am here....hang in there....she never deserved you anyway...and I like her and all - but you are better than that...
All that happened is the other shoe dropped - that's really all. You were missing key ingredients you needed for the emotional intimacy you deserve.
Change is a challenge - to handle that I prefer a blend - but a merlot or a syrah works nicely, too! :)

Kim McDowell said...

First off the comment about Amy not deserving you is uncalled for. Frankly it makes me quite angry. Melissa, I think bashing someone is not the answer here. Both JoAnna and Amy are great people and if they weren't deserving of one another I don't think they would have brought Chago and Saia into this world. Sometimes issues between couples can't work themselves out and that's the case here. I truely believe that time will heal and just remember although you are sad, angry, scared, all those crazy emotions you will get through this. Love you.

Tisha B said...

Space may make you both appreciate what you had!