Wednesday, July 08, 2009


God, make it stop. The verbal diarrhea. The "why don't you love me anymore?" and "what more could I have done?" and "why didn't you even bother to try?" and...

Just somebody please shut me up. Because I can't take it anymore. I can't take the look on her face. And the sound of her voice. And the roll of her eyes. I can't continue to chip, chip, chip away at any tiny shred of friendship we might have left.

'Cause the answers don't really matter at this point anyway. Not even to me.

I mean, they feel like they do. They sure as hell feel like they're ALL that matters. It feels like knowing the answers to those exact questions RIGHT NOW IN THIS VERY SECOND while she's craiglisting for a place of her own, and the kids are upstairs watching Phinneas & Ferb, and the dogs are terrorizing the gardeners, and I'm standing here with mascara running down my cheeks again (yes, really, you'd think I'd clue in to the waterproof at this point) is the one and only thing that might make the sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach stop.

That knowing that you have a rare genetic brain disorder that simultaneously sucks you dry of sane, rational, intelligent decisions, while making you an emotional zombie who shuts down the very moment I reach for a salvavida (I've just always seen that word on the backs of airplane seats and wanted to use it in a sentence; it IS a lifejacket, so it's not like it doesn't fit or anything), and that you've been suffering in stoic silence to protect me from the burden for these past 4 years is really the only thing I want to hear.

Because I'm not understanding and I'm not hearing anything else that I can actually digest.

That you're addicted to heroine and oxycontin and Flinstone vitamins all at once and preferably through a feeder tube would make more sense. That you had your heart surgically removed years ago and donated to a dying quadriplegic child in Africa would be completely reasonable. That you're not really the Amy that I fell in love with, but that she's currently away from her desk right now and will be back shortly. Please leave a short message after the beep. That...that I could take.

Other than that, there's not really anything else that I want to hear.

And if I can just find a way to magically wire my mouth shut for the next few weeks, maybe, just maybe I can somehow manage to stop spewing this filth at you, too.


Tisha B said...

Ok seriously go get the Newest Pink CD...I swear this is all so clearly been documented to music already. :-)

Anonymous said...

Jo Anna, you need to let it all go, there are no answers that she can give you, and really none that you want to hear. It isn't anything that you or she have done or said, it is just finished, done. It is time to move on, process, grieve, call her every name under the sun, and work out what happens now.
You can do it.

Sonia said...

You've always carried your emotions big and raw for all the years I've known you, so why would you expect yourself to stop now? Your unending capacity for feelings things hugely is part of who you are, and that won't stop; it's what tortures you now, but also what will fill you with joy later. I wish I was there to help somehow. To give you a place to get away for a while. This process is and will continue to be hard as hell. But it is a process, and you are moving to something better for yourself and for the kids, and even for Amy. You have a lot of work to do to repair yourself. You owe it to yourself and you owe it to the kids to take those steps. Amy can't help you do that. She has to work on herself, and you can't help her with that. But you WILL heal. And there is, in the future, a time and place that already exists where you will stand looking back and knowing that this was all necessary and vital to who you will become -- to who the kids will become. You will even feel thankful. That time and place is waiting for you. Get moving.

Sonia said...

Here's a quote that's been very helpful for me in dark times; maybe it'll offer the littlest bit of solace to you, too.

"Knowing love, I will allow all things to come and go. To be as supple as the wind, and take everything that comes with great courage. Life is right in any case. My heart is as open as the sky." (Kama Sutra)

girlranting said...

I can only offer a few tidbits of info I have gathered from my own breakups...

* You will never, ever, understand what happened, and any reasons she gives you for what happened will never satisfy you, ever. Even after it has stopped hurting and you´ve moved on. So really explanations don´t matter.
* It will all stop hurting. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but it will someday.
* There is nothing better to lift your spirits than doing very stupid (safe) things, or watching very stupid movies. Try "The Sweetest Thing". Although it´s a -romantic- comedy, it always manages to make me laugh.
* Once you start singing Gloria Gaynor´s version of "I will survive" (and no, Beck´s doesn´t count), you will know you´re on the road to healing

I wish I could have your email. Since you´re bilingual, I would like to share a spanish ppt presentation a friend sent me today... It got me to thinking a lot, and I think you might have use for it, it´s very good...

Hugs to you