Tuesday, July 14, 2009

paralyzed

the to-do lists are getting longer and longer.

and i just want to crawl back under the covers and watch bad B movies.

he's asking her for her t-shirts to sleep with every night, and wakes up before dawn to sneak into bed with her.

she has no sense of urgency to help us get packed because as far as she's concerned, there's no reason for us to leave.

and i look at the calendar and can't believe how slowly the month is oozing by. we still have nearly three weeks here. and with neither of us working, it's like a stay-at-home vacation. only not. all four of us. all the time. all within 4 feet of each other. all the time. but no longer the same. and still the same. but not.

and i just can't kick it into gear. i can't seem to find that push. so i wake up alone under a pile of pillows and a tangle of sheets and blankets. good god, what the hell do i do when i finally get to sleep? but at least i've stopped reaching across the bed for her. and i lie there wide awake listening to their sounds downstairs. cataloguing all the noises. saving them for a rainy day. and then i make breakfasts, and lunches, and dinners, like always. and we say our good-mornings, and excuse me's, and thank you's. and we chat about her job search and her apartment search and her new impending life, which i just can't manage to do without gritting my teeth and snarling. sorry.

and i move a few boxes from here to there. and then, if i'm really feeling it, i'll move them from there to here. and maybe i'll sort through some old clothes. and start that little pile for the salvation army. and i piddle. and i putter. and wonder at what point i turned into this pathetic invalid.

i'm just not really sure what i was thinking anymore burying myself in this deluge of never-gonna-be. 'cause i'm really struggling to paddle through the quicksand of this dying relationship to get to the other side, you know? and i know i gave us this time to transition. and i know i wanted the kids to have some time to digest and settle into the decision. and i know i wanted to give her the time she needed to adjust and start to pull her own life together before we just up and left. and it all made sense when i said it. and in those twilight moments of rational reasonability, it still does. but you know, i'm not entirely certain what it was i did exactly that landed me in this purgatory. and i guess i'm just not doing as well as i thought i would with my finger stuck up my ass.


1 comment:

Susan said...

I don't think it is bad that sometimes you can't deal with the situation without gritting your teeth and snarling; I think that makes perfect sense. I also think you are doing an awesome job considering the kids and understanding that they need time to digest. Be patient with yourself, it is okay that you're having a hard time getting into gear, I definitely understand that, more than I know how to explain. My thoughts are with you always.