Sunday, July 12, 2009

Plan? Plan? We don't need no stinking plan!

This isn't how it's supposed to be. This isn't my life.

We told the kids this morning. Sitting in the big bed together. They seemed nervous and giggly, not knowing what to expect, but understanding that we obviously had something big we were trying to say.

Neither one of us could even get started. Where do you fucking start?

"Can I stay with Mommy?" he asked. She'll be all alone. Maybe one of the dogs should stay with her, he suggested. She'll be lonely without us.

And I was just so crushed. Like my insides were seared with acid. And I was so proud. Of his loyalty. Of his compassion. Of his sense of family and love and caring.

And then we go into the hows and whys of it, the trying to explain that we would all be happier one day, that we really were trying to make the best decision for all of us, that we were trying to think about what was right, what was best...and all they could say was that, obviously, Mama, this wasn't the best decision, this didn't feel right, and no one was happy, so how did this make sense to anyone?

And how do you argue with that?

I was sitting right next to her, arm against arm, trying to put on a united front, trying to show them we were in this together, trying to show them that nothing had changed, but I was just so fucking angry inside, biting my lip, and just so infuriated that I was even having to search for the right words to explain to our children why their family was falling apart. That I was even being put in this position. That this was the only possible solution at this point. That it had to fucking come to this.

I couldn't believe half the things that were coming out of my mouth. How was I going to convince them of any of it?

And as their sobs and heaves began to subside, and they curled up into little balls on our laps, and we rocked them and stroked their hair and scratched their backs, and promised them the earth, moon, and stars, the flood of questions came...

When do we leave? Is it tomorrow? When do we have to start packing? Can we not pack today? Can we spend as much time as we can with Mommy? Why can't we just move next door? Do we still get the rest of our summer break? Are we still going on vacation? Are we going to Adam's pool party? Are we still going to be here for Mommy's birthday? Are we still going to go see Harry Potter on opening day together?

Followed pretty quickly by "Can we just stop talking about it now?"

Such his Mommy's mini-me.

And then this evening, all tuckered out after a long hot day in the pool, she comes up to tell me that he can't sleep and he's upset and that I should probably come down for this.

So I get down to his room and crawl up into his top bunk along with he and Amy, who are already tucked under the blanket and all wrapped arm in arm, and am thinking at least twice that this little bed is soooo not gonna hold us, even despite our break-up pounds lost, when the emotional terrorism begins.

And we spent another half hour or so trying to reassure him that the world still sits on its axis, that it still revolves around the sun. We try to reassert our position from earlier today, try to maintain our parental status, and try to comfort and reassure and support as best as we possibly can.

But I got my fifteenth fucking call/text/email asking if I'm okay and what the plan is, what the plan is, what the plan is. Yes, I get it. There should be a plan. But you know what, there's not. There's fucking not, and I don't really know what else to say to say about that except to say fuck off.

There is no plan. Don't you get that? This...THIS...this is not the plan. The plan does not include separating from the woman I thought I'd spend the rest of my dying days with. The plan does not involve walking away from the person I've loved, and worshipped, and adored, for every last moment of the last 11 1/2 years. The plan does not involve two households, shared custody, visitation, and extended family.

I don't know what this is. I don't. I don't have any idea where this fits in. But let me just assure you, in case there was any question, that this, people, this is NOT the fucking plan!!!


Tisha B said...

Its not worth it! My heart is breaking soo I know you are dying inside. I just think that sometimes its not about us (parents) and we made our choices and you live with them and make the best out of it...Its selfish and I know that is not for me to say but I believe you want the truth on this blog and that is why you are so truthful with your writing. I cant even finish the whole blog, its so painful

elaine said...

i know how you are feeling and i too kept asking myself am i doing the right thing? should i break up this family? take my kids father away? and for a few months i really tried to stay in the marriage but i came to realize that i was very angry/hurt/disgusted with him. i had to ask myself if this is how i wanted to spend the rest of my life. it was not fair to me and the kids to be in a relationship where we no longer were talking to each other no longer sleeping in the same room. so i after much thought and many crying nights decided we had to go our ways. my kids like yours had many questions and i wanted to keep them sheltered from the real reason we were parting and once i got back to texas and we were in our new house i noticed my daughter seemed very angry at me the kids thought i had made their daddy go away. so i had to sit with her and give her the rated g version of what her dad had done and she then understood instantly and things started to change for us. the 2 younger boys saw their older sister ok with dad being gone so they followed. it was a hard year but it made me and my kids stronger and closer. yes there were nites when one of my boys would be in bed crying for his dad and would just tear my heart and make me think i had made a wrong decision that maybe i reacted to harsh. But i know right now things seem to be spinning out of control and no end in sight. but believe me things will get better the kids will adjust and i know you are going to be the best mom there is to help them adjust. it is easier said than done i know but be strong. take care..

Mark said...

Hey, If you haven't got your own shit together then don't have kids,
It's that simple.

girlranting said...

I really don´t like to attack other bloggers... But, Mark? I really hope YOU never have kids, because you OBVIOUSLY have no idea about how life can be.

That said...

Jo Anna, don´t justify yourself to those that ask you about a plan. But don´t be mad at them either. They mean well, it´s just that they don´t know what else to say. I totally get you... THE PLAN was to spend the rest of your life with Amy and raise 2 beautiful kids together and be happy... And the plan is gone... And you know what? It´s perfectly ok to just live each day as it comes, right now that is all you need and all you can do. Another plan will emerge, eventually, you just have to give it time...

Susan said...

What great comments, I couldn't agree with girlranting more. And mark is a fucking moron, excuse my french. Jo Anna, I have been reading your blog for a while now and after I first discovered it, I had to go back and read all the archives because I think you are so awesome! I am so sorry this is happening, it isn't fair and it wasn't what you wanted and it is devastating, but please remember that you WILL get through this. I don't comment often enough on your blog, but I'll tell you now what I wish I'd told you ages ago: when I think about the struggles I'm going through in my life and wonder where I'm going to get the strength to handle them, you always pop into my mind as a role model. Strength isn't always knowing exactly what's going to happen or handling life's messy stuff gracefully, it is also allowing yourself to feel all of your emotions and being patient with yourself. So be patient with yourself, and if you ever need a shoulder to cry on or a supportive ear, I'm here, and so are a lot of other people who care about you. ~Susan

Jen said...

WOW Mark, Kind of harsh... the woman is in pain! And, rightfully so... back off. Sometimes shit happens in life that we didn't plan. If we lived life as if shit was going to happen we would never accomplish anything. We would always be second guessing our initial decisions.

Back to the regularly scheduled show... I feel your pain and can understand. I am in the same boat as Elaine. Tough, difficult, saddening, maddening, and you beat yourself up over it wondering what "you" could have done... well, the truth is nothing, other than what you are doing. I know you will get through it... you sound like a strong woman. The kids will eventually get it... not now, maybe not in five years, but eventually they will. They will respect you for being able to make this difficult decision (even though you didn't have an option). I know it seems awful right now but as the days pass so will the hurt and torment this is causing you.