Tuesday, January 19, 2010


Me, too. But probably for very different reasons.

You see, I'm not one of the 18,000+ same-sex couples who were legally married (and still are) thanks to the level-headedness of the voters of Massachusetts, Vermont, New Hampshire, Connecticut, or Iowa. Nor am I one of the same-sex couples who were legally married in a brief moment of sanity by the City of San Francisco.

In fact, I'm not even in a relationship anymore. But even if I were, I don't know that I would ever choose to get married -- which, ironically, is based on the fact that, historically, few marriages (and I'm referring to heterosexual marriages here because that's been the basis of my social experience thusfar) actually do seem to work out forever, and my parents, and every one of my aunts and uncle are prime examples. But that's my own issue, and my therapist'll be jealous if she knew I was sharing so much with you. So, shh!

But what I do have is two amazing children with hyphenated last names reflecting the love and commitment and partnership of their parents (even despite our separation), and birth certificates with "Mother" and "Other Mother" on them, and a bezillion other signed pieces of paper and photos and stories and memories documenting our life together and our intent and promise to care for one another, and to be there for our children every step of their lives, although we never married.

And even once we moved to California and the option of registering as Domestic Partners was made available to us, it wasn't ever something we seriously considered. It came up once or twice, but not ever with the weight that a proposal carries. Because it's not the same. It's not. It's a cop-out.

And we opted not to. Because you don't make a family with a piece of paper. Nobody can tell you that your family is or isn't real or valid or true. And even though we don't have a document that says we're united as one forever under God or Mayor Newsom or whomever, we are and always will be a family.

That being said, we, like everyone else in the world, despite race or creed or political conviction or drunken escapade in Vegas, SHOULD HAVE the legal right to be married if we so choose. We should have the legal right to be at each other's hospital bedside, or make medical decisions, or not have to cut through red-tape and climb mountains upon mountains to get the benefits that opposite-sex couples get automatically, and so often take for granted.

The fact is that it should not be up to YOU any more than it should be up to ME whether or not YOU have the right to marry.

It has nothing to do with you. And my decision to marry a woman or a man, or get divorced and marry again, will have absolutely no affect on your marriage, your family, your beliefs, or your bank account. And your time and efforts to save the world from evil would be better spent trying to rehabilitate sex offenders, putting a stop to child pornography, healing cross-burners and other hate-crime offenders, and hand-holding violent convicted criminals into repaying their debt to society by building homeless shelters, or half-way houses, or training seeing-eye dogs, or manning 911 call centers.

I mean, isn't that enough to focus on?

Must you really need to waste any more of your time and money trying to stop loving and committed adults from making a promise to one another that only serves to benefit them, their families, their community, their state and federal debt, and yes, by extension, even you.

We're now into week two of the Prop8 trial, and every day seems more unbelievable than the last. Arguments about how the scary gays are going to somehow bring about Armageddon are just laughable...and so sad.

But there's still a week to go, and a whole lot more to be said. By both sides. And this should really not be missed by anyone, regardless of which side of the road you tend to wave your sign.

Regardless of the outcome of this trial, this is a monumental time in our political and social history. This is life-changing. And you shouldn't miss it, if you can.

For play-by-play of the trial, follow these folks on Twitter:

You can also search and follow hashtags of #protectmarriage and #prop8.

1 comment:

Stephanie Stearns Dulli said...

AMEN AMEN AMEN!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just don't get it...at.all. The 'sanctity of marriage' is an utter crap term. Loving long term relationships cannot be acknowledged and legally protected because both partners are XX or XY? But the Bachelor is A-ok?
I love this post. Well said, well thought out, and just beautiful. You're children are lucky to have two mommies who love and adore them!